Love is the night...

As I lay here in the dark listening to Amy Winehouse (RIP Angel), I am forced to look at my love life...past and present. These past couple of years I have had my fill of ups and downs in the love department leaving me with a very skewed and jaded perception of how my life will play out in this field.

Lemme give you the cliff notes...

I went from not believing I would find love because I never felt it romantically for anyone. I would try to feel something but it would never come to me, like grasping at the moon's reflection in a bowl of water. I then felt something for someone who was not interested in me due to their "preferences" moving along from them I started to fall for a young lady who initially started to fall like I was but got distracted by another. In between one and two I caught affections infectiously for another who never noticed me even when I was willing to change myself for them and then I loved another who was career oriented more than me oriented leaving me as alone like before.

Then finally...finally I fell in love with a girl who just took my breath away. The movie Fault in Our Stars has a quote that described what happened to me, "I fell in love like you would fall asleep; slowly then all at once." My God I had never felt so alive, never felt such purpose to be here....sadly it ended after ups and downs, mistakes and lessons learned. I fell out of love, just fell...limp and cold and empty all of a sudden.

If falling in love can be compared to falling asleep then falling out can be compared to waking up.

A cruel, abrupt yanking...a snatch so hard that my insides turn over, under, and into themselves. (Yes I had it bad) This is departure from what I knew as my reality was the "kick" in the throws of the night amidst the tossing and the turning of your sleep. I figured the best way to describe this was with a quote from a movie about sleep, Inception, describes the kick as "that feeling of falling that jolts you awake. It's snaps you out of a dream."

This touched me profoundly when I took a good hard look at, we have all felt that feeling of being snapped out of a dream that felt real....well to me that's what falling out of love with her was like. Even still I figured its always darkest before the dawn and tried to push forward (after taking time to heal) and eventually found myself in the beginning stages of liking someone again but this too was a disappointment.

So where does this leave me?

Well alone of course...here with my thoughts in the middle of the night looking at all these other people calling in and out like sunrise and sunset. This endless and inevitable cycle of gain and loss, wax and wane, joy and pain. (Really didn't mean to rhyme)

I didn't write this for sympathy or even for advice. I wrote this because I know there are others who feel my pain. I have no earthly idea if I will ever fall again, not sure I want to anymore. Just had to get that off my chest people.

Night World

I love it like XO??? Fa Real

So after months of protest I decided to listen to a Beyonce song without wanting to set up a 45mm ordinance sniper outside her house. And I chose a song I'm assuming doesn't get a lot of radio play (mind you I treat the radio like BET since they both are teeming with mindless dribble and incessant ignorance) and not that damn Drunk in Love cause they play that 50 gazillion times at work. I chose "XO" and I have to admit that I like it. Its not the bs I have come expect from her with the overuse of technics and pointless banter. Its an honest song and a simple one which makes me think of that special girl on my mind which is what music is about. It took me somewhere, some sort of adventure that I always wanted but never knew I did and it was a beautiful feeling....hats off to you Beyonce. I didn't think it was possible but you made a song that want on my playlist.

In all honesty I thought perhaps Solange wrote this song but it was a collaborative effort from The Dream and Ryan Tedder (front man for One Republic) and Beyonce herself which is a surprising mix with addition of Tedder but a great result. And the video was an honest one too, no ridiculous, over dramatized set or awkward choreography just a low budget video of a good time at a county fair...nothing is more simple or honest than that. I especially love the ferris wheel, nothing is more romantic than a ride to the top of the world overlooking the city lights fluttering like a field of fireflies in June....just does something to a person I guess. Lyrically the song had a childish innocence to it with a feeling of whimsical storybook magic peppering it. It was just an all around joy to hear and a refreshing break from her drawled out, morphine injected, broken record Drunk in Love. I can truly that song does not belong on an album with a song the likes of "XO" which incites the feeling put into the song onto the person listening (and yes I actually gave Drunk in Love a good listening to and still don't like it).