Love is the night...

As I lay here in the dark listening to Amy Winehouse (RIP Angel), I am forced to look at my love life...past and present. These past couple of years I have had my fill of ups and downs in the love department leaving me with a very skewed and jaded perception of how my life will play out in this field.

Lemme give you the cliff notes...

I went from not believing I would find love because I never felt it romantically for anyone. I would try to feel something but it would never come to me, like grasping at the moon's reflection in a bowl of water. I then felt something for someone who was not interested in me due to their "preferences" moving along from them I started to fall for a young lady who initially started to fall like I was but got distracted by another. In between one and two I caught affections infectiously for another who never noticed me even when I was willing to change myself for them and then I loved another who was career oriented more than me oriented leaving me as alone like before.

Then finally...finally I fell in love with a girl who just took my breath away. The movie Fault in Our Stars has a quote that described what happened to me, "I fell in love like you would fall asleep; slowly then all at once." My God I had never felt so alive, never felt such purpose to be here....sadly it ended after ups and downs, mistakes and lessons learned. I fell out of love, just fell...limp and cold and empty all of a sudden.

If falling in love can be compared to falling asleep then falling out can be compared to waking up.

A cruel, abrupt yanking...a snatch so hard that my insides turn over, under, and into themselves. (Yes I had it bad) This is departure from what I knew as my reality was the "kick" in the throws of the night amidst the tossing and the turning of your sleep. I figured the best way to describe this was with a quote from a movie about sleep, Inception, describes the kick as "that feeling of falling that jolts you awake. It's snaps you out of a dream."

This touched me profoundly when I took a good hard look at, we have all felt that feeling of being snapped out of a dream that felt real....well to me that's what falling out of love with her was like. Even still I figured its always darkest before the dawn and tried to push forward (after taking time to heal) and eventually found myself in the beginning stages of liking someone again but this too was a disappointment.

So where does this leave me?

Well alone of course...here with my thoughts in the middle of the night looking at all these other people calling in and out like sunrise and sunset. This endless and inevitable cycle of gain and loss, wax and wane, joy and pain. (Really didn't mean to rhyme)

I didn't write this for sympathy or even for advice. I wrote this because I know there are others who feel my pain. I have no earthly idea if I will ever fall again, not sure I want to anymore. Just had to get that off my chest people.

Night World

Who's leg do I have to hump for $15 hour??

So I have been holding back writing something like this because I have afraid of coming off as a whiner but to hell with that! I feel at this point I have a small right to complain about my current employment situation. I want to know who's world I need rock for a decent job in my field? I mean like seriously American journalism? No one has need for an award winning photographer (Louisiana Press Assoc. Best News Photo 2012) who is also an award winning reporter (BCCA Best Investigative series ft. Evan Taylor 2011) and lets not forget award winning editor (BCCA Best Overall student newspaper 2nd place same year)? No need for a well rounded journalist who can do the jobs of several other reporter by himself, nooo, "to hell with being versatile we just want you to do one thing."

How hard is it to give a brother a break? -yes I said brother because I'm frustrated-

I'm not asking to be an editor even though I do have experience both at the college level (newspaper twice, yearbook, and magazine) and the professional level (a monthly newspaper and a magazine). All I'm asking for is a simple entry level photographers job with a small possibility to write here and there, hell I'll take freelance...emphasis on free!!

I'm just asking for a chance to what I love is that so hard?

Stop me if I'm asking for too much. I don't think its a far stretch to give someone with experience on multiple levels a small chance to show what they are capable of. Or maybe it is and I'm foolish for thinking otherwise. It has been like this past year I've been Steve Urkel and my career has been Laura Winslow, rejection at every turn and disappointment on several levels. -Makes me wanna eat cheese and dance to polka music just thinking about it-

But that's my only problem with America....why in the did I spend all that time and money getting this degree if nobody wants it!!!

I could have sold dru....(clears throat) I mean participated in urban pharmaceutical distribution, antiquity and collateral retrievals, or management of anatomical sales associates if I would have known that the long nights spent studying and fine tuning my craft would be for naught.

Not to brag but I made a choice many did not make to further my education on the promise that it would help me position myself in life where I had options. Not a guaranteed job or career nor a promise of more money, but OPTIONS. Not slinging tickets at the Reunion Tower because its all that was hiring that didn't require me doing manual labor -I'm highly allergic to manual labor-or teaching children I can't beat or curse out. I went to school as an investment in myself not the federal government fund for student loans or that damn Sallie Mae, I went on the promise that it would guarantee me the ability to move around to jobs whose pay would not insult the hard work I did in the classroom.

Bitter much? Angry much? Hell yes!

It's a damn shame that I am afraid to answer my phone in fear of it being a student loan collector threatening me for money. It's a damn shame that I have a hard time sleeping because I'm so worried about paying for these loans. It's a damn shame that I can't even get a job that pays me $15 an hour to make ends meet. I didn't go to college to settle for anything, I went because I didn't settle. Not to take away from those who made it their own way but college was mine and many other's way and so far this a is not panning out the way it was supposed to. So far I have amassed a great deal of debt in loans, spent countless hours applying for jobs and passing out my resume, read hundreds of rejection letters from jobs -by the way can anyone explain to me what the hell overqualified means- all to take a job at a tourist attraction that pays $11 an hour.

I feel like an idiot standing in a ticket booth with this whole Bachelor's of Arts in Mass Communications and this laundry list of work experience, skill, and expertise. Again, not knocking anyone who has taken this road but damn, when is it alright to be upset?

When is it okay to say this job is beneath what I am capable of?

And no I don't want to hear the "things will get better" or "its all for a reason" speech. I know all that stuff, I know things will change in due time. I want to know when is it okay to be upset about it. I want to know it's alright to be upset and have this chip on my shoulder. That everyday I don't have to suck it up, that it's cool have an attitude.

(Takes deep breath) Okay, I'm back. Just had to ask, what do I have to do to make it? Is there some proverbial leg to hump that will grant my wish like so kind of perverted genie's lamp? -will it show me a whole new world at least? I'll take a ride on the flying carpet at this point-

I love it like XO??? Fa Real

So after months of protest I decided to listen to a Beyonce song without wanting to set up a 45mm ordinance sniper outside her house. And I chose a song I'm assuming doesn't get a lot of radio play (mind you I treat the radio like BET since they both are teeming with mindless dribble and incessant ignorance) and not that damn Drunk in Love cause they play that 50 gazillion times at work. I chose "XO" and I have to admit that I like it. Its not the bs I have come expect from her with the overuse of technics and pointless banter. Its an honest song and a simple one which makes me think of that special girl on my mind which is what music is about. It took me somewhere, some sort of adventure that I always wanted but never knew I did and it was a beautiful feeling....hats off to you Beyonce. I didn't think it was possible but you made a song that want on my playlist.

In all honesty I thought perhaps Solange wrote this song but it was a collaborative effort from The Dream and Ryan Tedder (front man for One Republic) and Beyonce herself which is a surprising mix with addition of Tedder but a great result. And the video was an honest one too, no ridiculous, over dramatized set or awkward choreography just a low budget video of a good time at a county fair...nothing is more simple or honest than that. I especially love the ferris wheel, nothing is more romantic than a ride to the top of the world overlooking the city lights fluttering like a field of fireflies in June....just does something to a person I guess. Lyrically the song had a childish innocence to it with a feeling of whimsical storybook magic peppering it. It was just an all around joy to hear and a refreshing break from her drawled out, morphine injected, broken record Drunk in Love. I can truly that song does not belong on an album with a song the likes of "XO" which incites the feeling put into the song onto the person listening (and yes I actually gave Drunk in Love a good listening to and still don't like it).

2014 to do list and all that good stuff that make people warm in their hearts.

So a couple of years ago before Armageddon hit I did this really long list of things I wanted to do that year and accomplished a few of em, however, I feel that I didn't complete the list because I was "trying" to complete the list instead of actually "doing" the things on the list. I put more effort in trying than actually doing, everyone knows I love to quote Jedi Master Yoda so I wont disappoint with his most famous quote "Try? There is no try, only do..." and this is quite true my green friend. My list this year is simple.....Do!!! Of course there are other things that I'm gonna list but that one thing is at the top and it is the determining factor in success or failure for anyone. This time last year I lost my grandfather but I also gained the knowledge to know that we all have a shelf life that doesn't last forever. I lost my sense of immortality and gained my sense of mortality, I saw that I can't wait till later anymore that I have to start doing. With that being said I'll get to my list, remember what Yoda said while making your list and if you don't accomplish anything this year just DO more.

1) Learn a new language...or two
2) Get those tattoos I keep talking about
3) Work for myself
4) Do 14 irresponsible things (that won't ruin my life)
5) Get a pet
6) Act in something
7) Sing and Dance unafraid
8) Create a manga
9) Make someone understand me (emotionally and philosophically)
10) Kiss someone under a full moon
11) Travel (idc where either)
12) Write more
13) Laugh more
14) Love more

14 things in commemoration of 2014. I know the last few were cliche but oh well I'm a big ball of mush underneath all this evil, blades, and gray clothing lol. Anywho...hopefully this helps someone with their yearly goals. Don't forget that life is more about doing than it is about trying, you should live life and just try at it.

Question: How or should we categorize our love for those we care about?

   Is it possible to love someone too much? If so, is it even wrong to do so? Also does loving someone so strongly mean that you have romantic feelings for them?
   I don't believe so.
   I believe I can love someone with the same strength as that of the woman I fell in love with...just differently. (I seem to use that term a lot when describing my actions or train of thought but that's for a different post) I have friends that I can truly say I love with so much passion it scares me sometimes. I sit on the phone with them when they have a bad day and listen to their problems (even though mine is worse), drive cross country to see them even though I was strapped for cash, give my last dime to, let drive my car anywhere, or cook for them to cheer them up when they are down. Those, in my opinion, are favors of true love. Nothing romantic, nothing with ulterior motives just pure love. That's how I love my dearests, strongly.
   When I finally found love (romantically) I saw the difference in the types of love but not the strength, because they were equally as strong. Of course the types of love lead to different privileges but it doesn't lead to different levels in strength.
   My deepest disappointment in this world is that we can not allow ourselves to think in color, to see things outside the box. Instead we are content, no, afraid to see things other than black and white outside the psychological and philosophical walls of ignorance, fear, and justification that we confine ourselves to. Our world reminds me of a book I read in junior high called The Giver. It was a story about a "Utopia" where people lived in a false sense harmony and peace on the inside of a wall shut off from the world. The people living inside, ignorant to the world outside those walls, knew nothing about fear, anger, or love but there was peace so no one dared to venture outside the box. They were stripped of any thing that made them original, the ability to see color was stripped away at birth, and freedom of choice was taken away and their lives were decided by others (sound familiar?).
   Although they had peace it was false, although they had happiness it too was false, they even had love but this again was false. It wasn't until the one assigned to be the new Giver learned the truth from the previous Giver that there was more to life than that hell they unconsciously enslaved themselves in that a true Utopia would begin to blossom and grow, but first someone had to break down a wall.
   We can't allow fear to stifle our way of happiness nor can we allow it to stifle how we express our love. I am not ashamed to love as strongly as I do, although many believe I should be, but my intentions are purely to care.
   When others place their own intentions in the mix is when you find yourself with a cauldron of poison, double double toil and trouble indeed is what occurs when we allow others' mindset and ignorance infiltrate our minds and taint our hearts desire.
   I try to live by this: "Let me live, cause I will most definitely let you live."
   Life truly is that simple, or it should be in my opinion.
-Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love.- The Beatles
They said it best...and I'm gonna give plenty of it, strongly.

Voodoo Fest Friday: Bootsy Collins

Today was the first day of VooDoo Fest 2012 and after an almost three hour drive through ridiculous traffic to New Orleans from Baton Rouge I arrived in enough time to catch the one and only master of funk and Parliament's own, Bootsy Collins in action. He wowed the crowd with not only his music but his extravagant wardrobe changes donning four different, unique outfits throughout his set. He had the crowd feeling the funk from the chords on his equally extravagant guitars playing classic hits from his days with Parliament and its sister act Funkadelic gaining the most sing-a-long back up vocals from the crowd during his 1976 hit single "I'd Rather be with You" which featured a very moving bass solo by the funk legend. To top it off Collins, against the wishes of staff security, leaves the stage to walk in the crowd among his fans while his band continued playing without him until he returned to the stage. It was also the singer's birthday as well and he was presented with a cake by his crew on stage at the end of his set...

Kizoa slideshow: Bootsy Collins - Slideshow

There will be more coverage of VooDoo Fest to come so be on the look out here and at OnWaxMagazine.com.....

Voodoo Fest

Preview of my coverage of Voodoo Fest Day 1, spotlight on Bootsy Collins.